Sale on Merchandise
Spreadshirt is having a sale in August, so it’s a great time to get some of my awesome merchandise. Just enter coupon code SCHOOL308.
Spreadshirt is having a sale in August, so it’s a great time to get some of my awesome merchandise. Just enter coupon code SCHOOL308.
For the past month Two Night Stand has been burning up the charts at Vuze. It was the “hottest” video throughout that time. But over the weekend, a slickly made clip of sexy girls playing soccer dethroned the scrappy former champion. Perennial contender “VIP Topless Hotties Clip 3” is close behind in third place. A month on top has been enough to get to 324,724 views, almost as many as in two years of underperforming on YouTube. I’m still waiting for a report from Vuze on the advertising revenue the video has generated. I’m trying to keep my expectations low. If every view equaled a qualified advertising impression, that would be over $1600, which would come dangerously close to paying the total production costs of Two Night Stand. I’m expecting it will be less than half that number though.
I’ve seen a couple 35mm movies blown up to IMAX. I saw Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban at the Boston Aquarium on opening day. Harry and The Potters rocked the lobby while we waited. Yeah, I saw them before they were cool. Now they’ve sold out and gone all corporate Wizard Rock. Last weekend I went to see The Dark Knight at the only IMAX theater in NYC. I had to stake out Fandango at 2:45pm last Tuesday in order to snag tickets before they sold out.
Simply put, it’s a very impressive experience. I did a little research on the technical specs. I had thought IMAX was just a fancy name for 70mm, but although it uses 70mm film, it actually runs sideways through the camera to get a little extra resolution, like the old VistaVision process that used two sideways 35mm film frames to approximate one wide 70mm frame. Unfortunately, they couldn’t feasibly shoot the whole movie in IMAX, so there are large portions in boring old 35mm, which frankly just doesn’t cut it when projected back to back with IMAX shots. A lot of times scenes will have IMAX establishing shots, then immediately cut to 35mm. The first time it happened it got my hopes up, because I was expecting to see a whole sequence in IMAX, but it just ended up being disappointing. Eventually I got used to the idea.
And the real winner is the sound. There’s no Dolby matrix or anything. It’s totally uncompressed sound. And there are obviously some fantastic speakers involved. When I saw the boring old 35mm version at the Union Square theater on opening night, the subwoofer case was rattling, which was really annoying. It’s kind of par for the course though. In the past few weeks I’ve also seen Wall-E slightly out of focus, and Wanted projected through a spherical lens instead of anamorphic. When the Universal logo came on, the Earth looked like this:
Imagine if someone were actually paying attention to the projection. I suspect that would have been fixed during the trailers. We walked out after the first minute and got our money back.
The downside of the IMAX Experience ™ for me was some weird projection issues. Dark scenes often had what looked like a slightly milky overlay in the center of the image, like someone was shining a large flashlight on the screen. It was subtle, but annoying. There was also a clear vignetting in some scenes, where the image loses brightness as it gets towards the edge. I have a feeling those are related issues, and have something to do with the physics of projecting such a large image. I didn’t see it so much in the IMAX sequences though, just in the 35mm blowup portions.
With no fanfare whatsoever, the “IMDb Theaters” program has expanded. When I logged into Withoutabox yesterday, I had links to upload Camera Noise and Two Night Stand to their respective IMDb pages. The Epic Tale of Kalesius and Clotho doesn’t have a link, although I suspect that’s because in IMDb it’s listed with the full subtitle “A Meditation on the Impossibility of Romantic Love in a Rapidly Expanding Universe” so without an exact title match it can’t automatically make the connection.
I like the idea of IMDb Theaters, but so far it’s really a quarter step into the new web world. IMDb is still the resource for answering questions like “how many movies has Christopher Walken been in?” (about 100) but its complicated system for submitting updates and changes has really held it back in the age of Wikipedia. For example, when I recently wanted to remind myself what happened in “The Cheever Letters” episode of Seinfeld, I went straight to Wikipedia where there are several pages of description. IMDb’s rigid structure doesn’t really allow for that sort of completeness although there is a very brief outline of the episode.
To be fair, IMDb includes comprehensive credits for people like me who don’t even rate a Wikipedia entry. So there’s that.
I like the idea behind IMDb Theaters, but so far it’s just a little video icon at the top of the page. Also, it doesn’t seem to track views or allow comments, so it’s a little like throwing it out into the void, which was one of my many problems with submitting to film festivals. There’s no feedback unless you get accepted and actually attend the festival. And even then it’s extremely limited.
Anyway, I’ll be keeping an eye on this thing.
This Vuze business has gotten me interested in making money from my own movies so I’ve put up a “Buy Stuff” link in the header. Anything available to buy will go up there. First up we have my collected shorts DVD. Sure you can get all these films for free online, but the commentary tracks for Camera Noise and Kalesius and Clotho are exclusive to the DVD. The quality’s probably better on DVD too, although these days Vimeo and Vuze and the like offer pretty high quality. DVDs are certainly very convenient.
Short Film Comedies by Kyle Gilman (DVD)
Includes five short films I wrote & directed.
88 min total. DVD-R with full color cover and printing on disc.
Camera Noise Logo Merchandise
Great for filmmakers, film students, actors, or anyone else who loves making movies. These are just a few examples of the available products.
Short Film Comedies by Kyle Gilman (DVD)
Includes five short films Written & Directed by Kyle Gilman.
Most of the films also star Jennie Tarr.
88 min total. DVD-R
Fancy full color cover and printing on disc.
Purchase from Createspace for $9.95
or for $9.95
Camera Noise Logo Merchandise
Great for filmmakers, film students, actors, directors, cinematographers, grips, gaffers, best boys, or anyone else who loves making movies. These are just a few examples of the available products.
Trying to make money with short films is a fool’s game, even in the supposed Internet-based renaissance of the short. I’ve made somewhere around $150 from my short films, mostly from Revver, and I’ve spent a lot more than that making them. I never expect to make money on the Internet, but now that Two Night Stand is taking off on Vuze, I want to get paid!
Vuze shows an advertisement every time Two Night Stand plays, and as of June 30 they had a guarantee of $5 per 1000 views in many countries. If all of the downloads of Two Night Stand include a qualified ad impression, right now I’m owed about $500. That’s a significant portion of the production costs of Two Night Stand. But the guarantee has expired with no explanation of the current offer. And the Sales History for Ad Supported Content in my account shows “No Entry.” Does this mean I’m not getting any money? I’ve emailed Vuze but I haven’t heard back yet.
If they had never offered any money I would be totally happy with the explosion of views from Vuze, but now that the thought of money has entered my head I’m disappointed in the situation. Now it seems like if these downloads aren’t earning me money that I’m somehow missing out on an opportunity.
Update: Vuze has written back, and they assure me I’ll get paid for qualified advertising impressions. I don’t have a report yet on the number, but I expect it to be fairly substantial.
cast | |
Kyle Gilman Dan/Kalesius Janine/Clotho Jennie Tarr Jennie’s Brother Auditioner #1 Auditioner #2 Auditioner #3 Curious Moviegoer Cameraman Script Supervisor Sound Recorder Sound Recorder Crew Crew |
Kyle Gilman Dan Rosenthal Ashley Linton Jennie Tarr Jamie Carmichael Cailin O’Connor Lisa Faiman Kiran Deol Rev. Tim McIntire Randy Bell Maggie Lehrman Pete Grana Agnes Chu Greg Hudson Adam Ross |
crew | |
Director/Screenwriter Additional Writing Director of Photography Composer Sound Mixer Production Manager Assistant Camera Clapper Loader Script Supervisor Dolly Grip Grip Grip Grip Unit Drivers |
Kyle Gilman Jennie Tarr Randy Bell Alex Healy John Koczera Zadoc Angell Nicholas Weiss Clint Kenley Jack Riccobono David Rosenthal Michael Palmer Shun Kakazu Andy Rice Randy Bell Agnes Chu |
sound recorders Julie Espinosa Lola Papazoglou Pete Grana Nicholas Weiss Agnes Chu Andy Fink James Lawler Tania James |
|
thanks | |
Heidi Bliss John Koczera Travis Kunce Brad Chandler Willy Robinson Robb Moss Jeanne Jordan Ross McElwee Michael Lawrence Laurie Snow Evelyne Solorzano Ashley Linton Dan Rosenthal |
Sean & Judy Palfrey Vicki Macy Otto Coontz Matt Rubery Dan Cozzens J. Michael Griggs Suzy Kadiff Chris Viklund Adams A-47 Adam Ross Greg Hudson Maggie Lehrman Marissa Shorenstein |
special thanks Hal Hartley Randy Bell Agnes Chu Pete Grana |
|
very special thanks to Jennie Tarr for believing in me |
A lot of people ask me if “Kalesius and Clotho” is a real myth. I usually smile enigmatically and say “Well, what do you think.” Then they usually say “I think it’s a bunch of crap that you made up.” You’re welcome to believe that, but for those of you who are interested in the source material I was working with, I thought I would post the original on my website. I’ve made a few revisions, which are marked in orange.
ENTER CHORUS CHORUS Tell me, O goddess, of the accursed hero destined to be loved by none but she who lived atop vast Olympus. Many women did he encounter, and many looked upon him with kindness, but never did Aphrodite smile upon him. For he was accursed from birth to be a nice guy. KALESIUS Curse ye, o Gods! I ask of you only to send me a woman who is fair, who possesses 3 head of sheep, and who possesses a fine grasp of the distinction between that which is comic, and that which is tragic. Is my request so extraordinary? Am I so unworthy in your sight? A woman approaches KALESIUS There, that woman who approaches! Turn her favor upon me so that I might be happy. The woman suddenly changes course and begins to walk toward KALESIUS with a smile on her face. KALESIUS Thank you, great immortals! This evening, should I be successful in my endeavors, I shall slaughter a goat in your honor. GIRL Excuse me kind sir, as I was traveling along yonder road, I beheld your kind face and I began to speculate on the circumstances of your life. Are you married? KALESIUS No, kind woman. I am not. And may I say that you are a fetching woman indeed. GIRL Why thank you sir, I can see that I was not mistaken when I judged you as a kind man. May I ask then, are you betrothed? KALESIUS No, kind woman. I am not. And may I say that your smile is more radiant than Zeus himself. GIRL Sir, with a tongue as silver as that, surely you must have a woman who holds you in her favor? KALESIUS No, kind woman. I do not. GIRL That is unfortunate. For you are clearly a wonderful listener and a great man. If you were but three inches taller, I should like to be your wife. Would you instead be my friend? I believe you could lend a sympathetic ear as you come with me to the market and I tell you stories of my inconsiderate lovers. We shall make much merriment together but your hands shall never touch of my bosom. CHORUS The Gods did not smile upon Kalesius. Despite his keen intelligence and humorous conversation, the Gods confused the women of his village and made them place their favors upon men whom Kalesius knew were inferior to him. ENTER A LARGE SOLDIER. KALESIUS WATCHES FROM SIDE. A LARGE SOLDIER Come hither young wench. I should very much like to touch of your bosom, yet I offer no intellectual engagement. GIRL Why certainly you may. For the Gods have clouded my mind and your insensitivity inflames my loins. THEY GO BEHIND A COLUMN, MAKE MOANING NOISES FOR 5 SECONDS, THEN COME BACK OUT. A LARGE SOLDIER I have forgotten your name. BLACKOUT. EXIT A LARGE SOLDIER. GIRL (to Kalesius) He's not nearly as intelligent, kind, witty, appreciative of art or sensitive, as you, nor does he discern between the fine and boxed varieties of wine, yet I love him. SHE SWOONS. KALESIUS DUTIFULLY CATCHES HER. KALESIUS But surely maiden, as I possess all of the qualities which you value highly, you must have considered allowing me into your favors rather than this brute of which you speak. GIRL Yea, but the Gods have clouded my mind and I cannot think of you in such ways. I instead think of you in much the same way that I regard the... "artists." KALESIUS (horrified) You mean the homosexuals?! (he stops, looks around) Uh, among whose number I count some of my very best friends. GIRL Yea, I find you very non-threatening and therefore unattractive. KALESIUS What then shall I do? GIRL I know not. Ah! My boyfriend approaches! I must alter my already perfect appearance with dies and powders so that he finds me more desirable. GIRL EXITS A LARGE SOLDIER (entering) Girl! I should like to enter unto you again! HE NOTICES KALESIUS A LARGE SOLDIER (CONT'D) And who might you be? Do you not have a "play" you should be off "producing?" Or perhaps a "statue" you should be "carving?" Or a "man" you should be "having sex with?" KALESIUS (ignoring his comments) I sir, am Kalesius, friend to that fair maiden whom you are with. A LARGE SOLDIER Kalesius, I can assure that she is hardly a maiden. KALESIUS I will thank you not to speak in such a manner in my presence sir. A LARGE SOLDIER Ah, I am sorry that my speech was not plain enough for you sir. I meant that not 10 minutes ago we had sex behind yonder column. KALESIUS (getting angry) I know what you meant -- I would prefer that you not tell me in detail of your relations with the woman that I love. A LARGE SOLDIER Oh, you are in love with her? That is so precious. The love you "artists" have for glamorous womenfolk is so wonderful. She is fabulous isn't she? KALESIUS I wish you would cease referring to me as an artist. I am an intellectual. A LARGE SOLDIER (knowingly) Ahhhh, like Socrates? KALESIUS (flattered) Yes, like Soc- No, not like that at all. A LARGE SOLDIER Very well, I will play along. I will not speak of my relations with your love. GIRL ENTERS, PREENING A LARGE SOLDIER (CONT'D) Now if you will excuse me, I shall retire behind that column and have sex wi-- (he catches himself, and winks) and have sex with a woman who you know not. (pause) Come woman. HE GRABS GIRL AND PULLS HER BEHIND THE COLUMN. THEY OCCASIONALLY MAKE NOISE THROUGHOUT THE NEXT SCENE GIRL Ooooh! KALESIUS The Gods are against me and I am determined to discover why. CHORUS The Gods were against Kalesius and he was determined to discover why. KALESIUS SHOOTS CHORUS A LOOK. CHORUS POINTS TO THEIR SCRIPT AND SHRUGS. KALESIUS I shall journey to the Oracle at Thebes and ask of him what I must do to gain the favor of the Gods and finally get myself a piece. CHORUS He decided to journey to the Oracle of Thebes and ask of him -- KALESIUS Cut that out. CHORUS (again, pointing to the script) Sorry.
I cut out almost 50 pages here. Kalesius’s travels to Thebes is considered one of the longest of what the Classicists refer to as “extended travel passages.” They consider it a beautifully rigid structure. I consider it boring. Each page represents a half-mile on his journey, which in this case is about 25 miles. Nothing important happens during the journey, so I cut it down to:
CHORUS Kalesius walked for many days, until he finally arrived at the Oracle at Thebes. THE ORACLE ENTERS. HE IS A HEAD PROJECTED ON A SCREEN. THE REAL ORACLE IS IN THE "WINGS" OFFSTAGE. HE SPEAKS IN A MORE NATURAL VOICE THAN THE OTHER ACTORS ORACLE I am the great and powerful Oracle of Thebes. All tremble before me. KALESIUS GROVELS AND TREMBLES KALESIUS Oh great Oracle, my name is Kalesius and I have come from afar to seek your advice in the ways of love. ORACLE Ahh, Kalesius, you have come from afar to seek my advice in the ways of love. KALESIUS Yes, I just said tha- ORACLE Silence! Do not contradict the Oracle of Thebes. KALESIUS (playing along) Oh great Oracle, how did you know? Did the Gods tell you of my plight? ORACLE No, you just look like you don't do so good with the chicks. KALESIUS Why do you talk in a manner so strange, great Oracle? ORACLE Well Kalesius, I'm from the future. KALESIUS The future, Oracle? ORACLE That's right. All the way from the year 2000. KALESIUS The year 2000, how spectacular! Can you tell me anything of the wonders of the future? ORACLE I will tell you this: Invest in the Internet. KALESIUS I will do what you tell me great Oracle, does this Internet you speak of have long term earnings potential? ORACLE You dare ask the great Oracle of Thebes about long-term earnings potential? I speak of a new economy about which you know nothing. Profit is a thing of the dead past to which you belong! Now tremble before me. KALESIUS COWERS ORACLE (CONT'D) I said TREMBLE! KALESIUS TREMBLES ORACLE (CONT'D) Better. KALESIUS O great Oracle, thank you for sharing your wisdom with me, I will not contradict you again. Now could you please give me the information for which I have come? ORACLE Very well, and now the answer for which you have traveled so many miles and encountered so little adventure. You must travel more and encounter slightly more adventure as you make your way to MOUNT OLYMPUS!!! KALESIUS Thank you great Oracle. And what shall I do when I arrive there? ORACLE You will fine your true love on Mount Olympus. KALESIUS But I have already found my true love in my home village. ORACLE That floozy? Please, you can do better. KALESIUS I haven't yet. ORACLE Trust me. KALESIUS Oh, how unfortunate that I have traveled all the way here just to discover this information. Mount Olympus is but an afternoon's walk from my home. ORACLE Yeah, that is too bad. Now BEGONE FROM MY SIGHT. KALESIUS Would you join me on my return trip? I grow weary of my own company on long journeys and find myself talking to goats. ORACLE That sounds like a lot of fun, but I think I'll just stay here and live off the ignorance of peasants. KALESIUS Are you sure? ORACLE Yes. KALESIUS OK. KALESIUS STARTS WALKING OFFSTAGE, BUT SEES THE REAL ORACLE OFFSTAGE. KALESIUS (CONT'D) Wait, who are you? ORACLE Pay no attention to the man in the wings KALESIUS Wait, you just said that. You're the man in the wings. ORACLE I am Oracle. The Great and Powerful. KALESIUS (noticing the video camera) Wait, what is this device you speak into? HE WALKS UP TO IT AND LOOKS INTO IT, HIS FACE IS PROJECTED HUGE ONTO THE ONSTAGE SCREEN. ORACLE It is nothing. KALESIUS WALKS PAST THE CAMERA, WATCHING THE SCREEN AND THRILLED TO SEE HIMSELF. KALESIUS This is so cool! ORACLE (resigned) It's something I brought back with my from the future. It's called a video camera. KALESIUS I'm huge! ORACLE Look, cut that out. You found out my secret, so I'll come along with you. KALESIUS What secret? ORACLE That I'm not really a huge, disembodied head. KALESIUS I never thought you were. ORACLE Kalesius, since you know my secret, it seems we will be forced into an uneasy alliance as we journey to Mount Olympus. At first, I predict that we will bicker, but as the journey continues I am sure we will become fast friends. THEY SET OUT ON THEIR JOURNEY.
This journey was almost as boring as the last one, but there are some important plot points that I couldn’t cut out, so I decided to punch things up a little here and turn the journey to Olympus into a buddy comedy.
KALESIUS Oracle let us set out upon our journey. ORACLE (suddenly sassy) I'll leave when I'm ready to leave! KALESIUS What? ORACLE You heard me, fool! KALESIUS I'm not sure I understand you. ORACLE Kalesius, I'm only going to enjoy this trip if I get to play out this tired plot device. KALESIUS Fine. Now get on the mule, I'm only telling you once. ORACLE (clearly enjoying himself) Oh, Kalesius, you make me so mad! CHORUS So Kalesius and the Oracle set out on their journey. Bickering all the way. ORACLE Kalesius, did you eat all the mutton again? KALESIUS SHRUGS KALESIUS I got a biiiiig appetite! CHORUS Oh Kalesius, you so crazy KALESIUS (high fives the Chorus) Shiiiiit ORACLE And look at this mess you made! Do you expect me to clean all this up? KALESIUS Damn Oracle, you're too uptight. Have some wine. HE DRINKS FROM A WINESKIN ORACLE Ohhhhh, that's the sacrificial wine! KALESIUS (shrugs, high-fives the Chorus) Whoops! CHORUS Kalesius, you are so funny! ORACLE You know you're the last person who should be pissing off the Gods. CHORUS At long last Kalesius reached Mount Olympus. KALESIUS I, Kalesius, have reached Mount Olympus! What beauty and majesty. Where then, is the answer that I have been promised? CLOTHO ENTERS - SOUND OF THUNDER CLOTHO Kalesius, you have arrived at last. KALESIUS How do you know my name, fair maiden? CLOTHO I have known your name for millennia. It has been the most treasured word upon my lips since the very dawn of time. KALESIUS Are you then one of the great Immortals who dwell in the House of the Gods? CLOTHO I am, brave Kalesius. KALESIUS Please, reveal to me your name, so that I may sing of your fair beauty when I have left this place. CLOTHO Oh, silver-tongued Kalesius, you could melt even the hardest woman's heart. I am Clotho. The youngest of the three Fates. KALESIUS Clotho! Why is it that I have been brought here? CLOTHO Kalesius, you have come here to learn that you have been Fated to be my one true love. KALESIUS Your one true love? CLOTHO My one true love! KALESIUS But why didn't you do something sooner? CLOTHO I could not, for I was not permitted to reveal myself to you until you journeyed here yourself. KALESIUS But you're Fate. Can't you do whatever you want? CLOTHO No, sadly, even Fate has no free will of her own. KALESIUS Well that is hardly fair. If you, Fate, do not make the decisions, then who does? CLOTHO I know not. It makes as little sense to me as it must to you mortals. KALESIUS How ironic that even Fate does not possess the free will that we lack. What a cold, unforgiving world we live in. CLOTHO But Kalesius, are you not pleased that we shall be in love until the end of time? KALESIUS Well, I'm pleased, but you could have made things a little easier on me. Was it really necessary to let that guy call me an "artist?" CLOTHO Kalesius, I love you. KALESIUS You love me? CLOTHO I do. KALESIUS I have to admit, that does have a nice ring to it. I love you too! CHORUS And the Gods smiled upon Kalesius