A lot of people ask me if “Kalesius and Clotho” is a real myth. I usually smile enigmatically and say “Well, what do you think.” Then they usually say “I think it’s a bunch of crap that you made up.” You’re welcome to believe that, but for those of you who are interested in the source material I was working with, I thought I would post the original on my website. I’ve made a few revisions, which are marked in orange.
ENTER CHORUS
CHORUS
Tell me, O goddess, of the accursed hero
destined to be loved by none but she who
lived atop vast Olympus. Many women did
he encounter, and many looked upon him
with kindness, but never did Aphrodite
smile upon him. For he was accursed from
birth to be a nice guy.
KALESIUS
Curse ye, o Gods! I ask of you only to
send me a woman who is fair, who
possesses 3 head of sheep, and who
possesses a fine grasp of the distinction
between that which is comic, and that
which is tragic. Is my request so
extraordinary? Am I so unworthy in your
sight?
A woman approaches
KALESIUS
There, that woman who approaches! Turn
her favor upon me so that I might be
happy.
The woman suddenly changes course and begins to walk toward
KALESIUS with a smile on her face.
KALESIUS
Thank you, great immortals! This evening,
should I be successful in my endeavors, I
shall slaughter a goat in your honor.
GIRL
Excuse me kind sir, as I was traveling
along yonder road, I beheld your kind
face and I began to speculate on the
circumstances of your life. Are you
married?
KALESIUS
No, kind woman. I am not. And may I say
that you are a fetching woman indeed.
GIRL
Why thank you sir, I can see that I was
not mistaken when I judged you as a kind
man. May I ask then, are you betrothed?
KALESIUS
No, kind woman. I am not. And may I say
that your smile is more radiant than Zeus
himself.
GIRL
Sir, with a tongue as silver as that,
surely you must have a woman who holds
you in her favor?
KALESIUS
No, kind woman. I do not.
GIRL
That is unfortunate. For you are clearly
a wonderful listener and a great man. If
you were but three inches taller, I
should like to be your wife. Would you
instead be my friend? I believe you could
lend a sympathetic ear as you come with
me to the market and I tell you stories
of my inconsiderate lovers. We shall make
much merriment together but your hands
shall never touch of my bosom.
CHORUS
The Gods did not smile upon Kalesius.
Despite his keen intelligence and
humorous conversation, the Gods confused
the women of his village and made them
place their favors upon men whom Kalesius
knew were inferior to him.
ENTER A LARGE SOLDIER. KALESIUS WATCHES FROM SIDE.
A LARGE SOLDIER
Come hither young wench. I should very much like to touch of
your bosom, yet I offer no intellectual engagement.
GIRL
Why certainly you may. For the Gods have
clouded my mind and your insensitivity
inflames my loins.
THEY GO BEHIND A COLUMN, MAKE MOANING NOISES FOR 5 SECONDS,
THEN COME BACK OUT.
A LARGE SOLDIER
I have forgotten your name.
BLACKOUT. EXIT A LARGE SOLDIER.
GIRL
(to Kalesius)
He's not nearly as intelligent, kind,
witty, appreciative of art or sensitive,
as you, nor does he discern between the
fine and boxed varieties of wine, yet I
love him.
SHE SWOONS. KALESIUS DUTIFULLY CATCHES HER.
KALESIUS
But surely maiden, as I possess all of
the qualities which you value highly, you
must have considered allowing me into
your favors rather than this brute of
which you speak.
GIRL
Yea, but the Gods have clouded my mind
and I cannot think of you in such ways. I
instead think of you in much the same way
that I regard the... "artists."
KALESIUS
(horrified)
You mean the homosexuals?!
(he stops, looks around)
Uh, among whose number I count some of my
very best friends.
GIRL
Yea, I find you very non-threatening and
therefore unattractive.
KALESIUS
What then shall I do?
GIRL
I know not. Ah! My boyfriend approaches!
I must alter my already perfect
appearance with dies and powders so that
he finds me more desirable.
GIRL EXITS
A LARGE SOLDIER
(entering)
Girl! I should like to enter unto you
again!
HE NOTICES KALESIUS
A LARGE SOLDIER (CONT'D)
And who might you be? Do you not have a
"play" you should be off "producing?" Or
perhaps a "statue" you should be
"carving?" Or a "man" you should be
"having sex with?"
KALESIUS
(ignoring his comments)
I sir, am Kalesius, friend to that fair
maiden whom you are with.
A LARGE SOLDIER
Kalesius, I can assure that she is hardly
a maiden.
KALESIUS
I will thank you not to speak in such a
manner in my presence sir.
A LARGE SOLDIER
Ah, I am sorry that my speech was not
plain enough for you sir. I meant that
not 10 minutes ago we had sex behind
yonder column.
KALESIUS
(getting angry)
I know what you meant -- I would prefer
that you not tell me in detail of your
relations with the woman that I love.
A LARGE SOLDIER
Oh, you are in love with her? That is so
precious. The love you "artists" have for
glamorous womenfolk is so wonderful. She
is fabulous isn't she?
KALESIUS
I wish you would cease referring to me as
an artist. I am an intellectual.
A LARGE SOLDIER
(knowingly)
Ahhhh, like Socrates?
KALESIUS
(flattered)
Yes, like Soc- No, not like that at all.
A LARGE SOLDIER
Very well, I will play along. I will not
speak of my relations with your love.
GIRL ENTERS, PREENING
A LARGE SOLDIER (CONT'D)
Now if you will excuse me, I shall retire
behind that column and have sex wi--
(he catches himself, and winks)
and have sex with a woman who you know
not.
(pause)
Come woman.
HE GRABS GIRL AND PULLS HER BEHIND THE COLUMN. THEY
OCCASIONALLY MAKE NOISE THROUGHOUT THE NEXT SCENE
GIRL
Ooooh!
KALESIUS
The Gods are against me and I am
determined to discover why.
CHORUS
The Gods were against Kalesius and he was
determined to discover why.
KALESIUS SHOOTS CHORUS A LOOK. CHORUS POINTS TO THEIR SCRIPT
AND SHRUGS.
KALESIUS
I shall journey to the Oracle at Thebes
and ask of him what I must do to gain the
favor of the Gods and finally get myself
a piece.
CHORUS
He decided to journey to the Oracle of
Thebes and ask of him --
KALESIUS
Cut that out.
CHORUS
(again, pointing to the script)
Sorry.
I cut out almost 50 pages here. Kalesius’s travels to Thebes is considered one of the longest of what the Classicists refer to as “extended travel passages.” They consider it a beautifully rigid structure. I consider it boring. Each page represents a half-mile on his journey, which in this case is about 25 miles. Nothing important happens during the journey, so I cut it down to:
CHORUS
Kalesius walked for many days, until he
finally arrived at the Oracle at Thebes.
THE ORACLE ENTERS. HE IS A HEAD PROJECTED ON A SCREEN. THE
REAL ORACLE IS IN THE "WINGS" OFFSTAGE. HE SPEAKS IN A MORE
NATURAL VOICE THAN THE OTHER ACTORS
ORACLE
I am the great and powerful Oracle of
Thebes. All tremble before me.
KALESIUS GROVELS AND TREMBLES
KALESIUS
Oh great Oracle, my name is Kalesius and
I have come from afar to seek your advice
in the ways of love.
ORACLE
Ahh, Kalesius, you have come from afar to
seek my advice in the ways of love.
KALESIUS
Yes, I just said tha-
ORACLE
Silence! Do not contradict the Oracle of
Thebes.
KALESIUS
(playing along)
Oh great Oracle, how did you know? Did
the Gods tell you of my plight?
ORACLE
No, you just look like you don't do so
good with the chicks.
KALESIUS
Why do you talk in a manner so strange,
great Oracle?
ORACLE
Well Kalesius, I'm from the future.
KALESIUS
The future, Oracle?
ORACLE
That's right. All the way from the year
2000.
KALESIUS
The year 2000, how spectacular! Can you
tell me anything of the wonders of the
future?
ORACLE
I will tell you this: Invest in the
Internet.
KALESIUS
I will do what you tell me great Oracle,
does this Internet you speak of have long
term earnings potential?
ORACLE
You dare ask the great Oracle of Thebes
about long-term earnings potential? I
speak of a new economy about which you
know nothing. Profit is a thing of the
dead past to which you belong! Now
tremble before me.
KALESIUS COWERS
ORACLE (CONT'D)
I said TREMBLE!
KALESIUS TREMBLES
ORACLE (CONT'D)
Better.
KALESIUS
O great Oracle, thank you for sharing
your wisdom with me, I will not
contradict you again. Now could you
please give me the information for which
I have come?
ORACLE
Very well, and now the answer for which
you have traveled so many miles and
encountered so little adventure. You must
travel more and encounter slightly more
adventure as you make your way to MOUNT
OLYMPUS!!!
KALESIUS
Thank you great Oracle. And what shall I
do when I arrive there?
ORACLE
You will fine your true love on Mount
Olympus.
KALESIUS
But I have already found my true love in
my home village.
ORACLE
That floozy? Please, you can do better.
KALESIUS
I haven't yet.
ORACLE
Trust me.
KALESIUS
Oh, how unfortunate that I have traveled
all the way here just to discover this
information. Mount Olympus is but an
afternoon's walk from my home.
ORACLE
Yeah, that is too bad. Now BEGONE FROM MY
SIGHT.
KALESIUS
Would you join me on my return trip? I
grow weary of my own company on long
journeys and find myself talking to
goats.
ORACLE
That sounds like a lot of fun, but I
think I'll just stay here and live off
the ignorance of peasants.
KALESIUS
Are you sure?
ORACLE
Yes.
KALESIUS
OK.
KALESIUS STARTS WALKING OFFSTAGE, BUT SEES THE REAL ORACLE
OFFSTAGE.
KALESIUS (CONT'D)
Wait, who are you?
ORACLE
Pay no attention to the man in the wings
KALESIUS
Wait, you just said that. You're the man
in the wings.
ORACLE
I am Oracle. The Great and Powerful.
KALESIUS
(noticing the video camera)
Wait, what is this device you speak into?
HE WALKS UP TO IT AND LOOKS INTO IT, HIS FACE IS PROJECTED
HUGE ONTO THE ONSTAGE SCREEN.
ORACLE
It is nothing.
KALESIUS WALKS PAST THE CAMERA, WATCHING THE SCREEN AND
THRILLED TO SEE HIMSELF.
KALESIUS
This is so cool!
ORACLE
(resigned)
It's something I brought back with my
from the future. It's called a video
camera.
KALESIUS
I'm huge!
ORACLE
Look, cut that out. You found out my
secret, so I'll come along with you.
KALESIUS
What secret?
ORACLE
That I'm not really a huge, disembodied
head.
KALESIUS
I never thought you were.
ORACLE
Kalesius, since you know my secret, it
seems we will be forced into an uneasy
alliance as we journey to Mount Olympus.
At first, I predict that we will bicker,
but as the journey continues I am sure we
will become fast friends.
THEY SET OUT ON THEIR JOURNEY.
This journey was almost as boring as the last one, but there are some important plot points that I couldn’t cut out, so I decided to punch things up a little here and turn the journey to Olympus into a buddy comedy.
KALESIUS
Oracle let us set out upon our journey.
ORACLE
(suddenly sassy)
I'll leave when I'm ready to leave!
KALESIUS
What?
ORACLE
You heard me, fool!
KALESIUS
I'm not sure I understand you.
ORACLE
Kalesius, I'm only going to enjoy this
trip if I get to play out this tired plot
device.
KALESIUS
Fine. Now get on the mule, I'm only
telling you once.
ORACLE
(clearly enjoying himself)
Oh, Kalesius, you make me so mad!
CHORUS
So Kalesius and the Oracle set out on
their journey. Bickering all the way.
ORACLE
Kalesius, did you eat all the mutton
again?
KALESIUS SHRUGS
KALESIUS
I got a biiiiig appetite!
CHORUS
Oh Kalesius, you so crazy
KALESIUS
(high fives the Chorus)
Shiiiiit
ORACLE
And look at this mess you made! Do you
expect me to clean all this up?
KALESIUS
Damn Oracle, you're too uptight. Have
some wine.
HE DRINKS FROM A WINESKIN
ORACLE
Ohhhhh, that's the sacrificial wine!
KALESIUS
(shrugs, high-fives the Chorus)
Whoops!
CHORUS
Kalesius, you are so funny!
ORACLE
You know you're the last person who
should be pissing off the Gods.
CHORUS
At long last Kalesius reached Mount
Olympus.
KALESIUS
I, Kalesius, have reached Mount Olympus!
What beauty and majesty. Where then, is the answer that I
have been promised?
CLOTHO ENTERS - SOUND OF THUNDER
CLOTHO
Kalesius, you have arrived at last.
KALESIUS
How do you know my name, fair maiden?
CLOTHO
I have known your name for millennia. It
has been the most treasured word upon my
lips since the very dawn of time.
KALESIUS
Are you then one of the great Immortals
who dwell in the House of the Gods?
CLOTHO
I am, brave Kalesius.
KALESIUS
Please, reveal to me your name, so that I
may sing of your fair beauty when I have
left this place.
CLOTHO
Oh, silver-tongued Kalesius, you could
melt even the hardest woman's heart. I am
Clotho. The youngest of the three Fates.
KALESIUS
Clotho! Why is it that I have been
brought here?
CLOTHO
Kalesius, you have come here to learn
that you have been Fated to be my one
true love.
KALESIUS
Your one true love?
CLOTHO
My one true love!
KALESIUS
But why didn't you do something sooner?
CLOTHO
I could not, for I was not permitted to
reveal myself to you until you journeyed
here yourself.
KALESIUS
But you're Fate. Can't you do whatever
you want?
CLOTHO
No, sadly, even Fate has no free will of
her own.
KALESIUS
Well that is hardly fair. If you, Fate,
do not make the decisions, then who does?
CLOTHO
I know not. It makes as little sense to
me as it must to you mortals.
KALESIUS
How ironic that even Fate does not
possess the free will that we lack. What
a cold, unforgiving world we live in.
CLOTHO
But Kalesius, are you not pleased that we
shall be in love until the end of time?
KALESIUS
Well, I'm pleased, but you could have
made things a little easier on me. Was it
really necessary to let that guy call me
an "artist?"
CLOTHO
Kalesius, I love you.
KALESIUS
You love me?
CLOTHO
I do.
KALESIUS
I have to admit, that does have a nice
ring to it. I love you too!
CHORUS
And the Gods smiled upon Kalesius
